The Norman Transcript

Z_CNHI News Service

January 3, 2014

Coming in 2014: Legal weed for women, honor roll for everyone, free handguns

(Continued)

August

The president plays his 300th round of golf – the most of any president since Dwight Eisenhower.

Asked about it at a press conference, Obama expresses shock. “Nobody informed me about this,” he says. “Let me be clear. I want the American people to know that nobody is madder about this than me. And I will not rest until I have brought the people responsible for this to justice.”

September

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden turns himself in and stands trial, where he argues that since the president ignores laws he doesn’t like – including his own health care law – he should be able to, as well. The judge rejects the argument, chiding Snowden for assuming that the law applies equally to everyone.

“Obedience to the law is only for the little people,” he says. “That is part of the transformation of America that the president promised before he was elected.”

October

President Obama announces that the second phase of his campaign to eliminate inequality in America will be for the federal government to provide every citizen of voting age with a handgun.

“It’s not fair that only some people can afford a firearm,” he says. “This is the great challenge of our generation – to make sure that everyone in American can become a ‘gun nut.’”

November


Health and Human Services Director Kathleen Sebelius announces that all labor unions will be permanently exempt from the Obamacare tax on so-called “Cadillac” health plans.

“It is too much of a burden on hard-working people,” she says, “and this will also let the American people know that when the president talks about everybody playing by the same rules, he’s just kidding.”

December

The president announces that the federal government will now fund college costs for all students except those who come from “millionaire” families – those making $250,000 or more.

The cost will be covered by “asking the wealthy to pay a bit more,” he says, adding, “this should not increase our deficit by a single dime.”

Taylor Armerding is an independent columnist. Contact him at t.armerding@verizon.net

 

Text Only | Photo Reprints
Z_CNHI News Service
  • Sunburn isn't the only sign of summer that can leave you itchy and blistered

    You've got a rash. You quickly rule out the usual suspects: You haven't been gardening or hiking or even picnicking, so it's probably not a plant irritant such as poison ivy or wild parsnip; likewise, it's probably not chiggers or ticks carrying Lyme disease; and you haven't been swimming in a pond, which can harbor the parasite that causes swimmer's itch.

    July 30, 2014

  • Survey results in legislation to battle sexual assault on campus

    Missouri U.S. Sen. Claire McCaskill joined a bipartisan group of senators Wednesday to announce legislation that aims to reduce the number of sexual assaults on college campuses.

    July 30, 2014

  • Rodden, Danny.jpg Sheriff accused of lying about relationship with prostitute

    The sheriff of Clark County, Ind., faces an eight-count federal indictment that accuses him of lying about paying a prostitute for a sex act and giving her a badge so that she could claim a discount rate at a hotel.

    July 30, 2014 1 Photo

  • An alarming threat to airlines that no one's talking about

    It's been an abysmal year for the flying public. Planes have crashed in bad weather, disappeared over the Indian Ocean and tragically crossed paths with anti-aircraft missiles over Ukraine.

    July 30, 2014

  • Sharknado.jpg Sharknado 2 set to attack viewers tonight

    In the face of another "Sharknado" TV movie (the even-more-inane "Sharknado 2: The Second One," premiering Wednesday night on Syfy), there isn't much for a critic to say except to echo what the characters themselves so frequently scream when confronted by a great white shark spinning toward them in a funnel cloud:
    "LOOK OUT!!"

    July 30, 2014 1 Photo

  • 20140729-AMX-GIVHAN292.jpg Spanx stretches into new territory with jeans, but promised magic is elusive

    The Spanx empire of stomach-flattening, thigh-slimming, jiggle-reducing foundation garments has expanded to include what the brand promises is the mother of all body-shaping miracles: Spanx jeans.

    July 29, 2014 1 Photo

  • Lindley, Tom.jpg Sideshows involving Rice and Dungy stain NFL's image

    Pro football training camps should be all about, well, football. But the talk around the NFL is about Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice's two-game suspension, Tony Dungy's indelicate remarks about Michael Sam and Jim Irsay's largesse. What kind of league is Roger Goodell running?

    July 29, 2014 1 Photo

  • Medical marijuana opponents' most powerful argument is at odds with a mountain of research

    Opponents of marijuana legalization are rapidly losing the battle for hearts and minds. Simply put, the public understands that however you measure the consequences of marijuana use, the drug is significantly less harmful to users and society than tobacco or alcohol.

    July 29, 2014

  • linda-ronstadt.jpg Obama had crush on First Lady of Rock

    Linda Ronstadt remained composed as she walked up to claim her National Medal of Arts at a White House ceremony Monday afternoon.

    July 29, 2014 1 Photo

  • Can black women have it all?

    In a powerful new essay for the National Journal, my friend Michel Martin makes a compelling case for why we need to continue the having-it-all conversation.

    July 29, 2014