The Norman Transcript

Columns

December 23, 2013

Drop the phone and read this

(Continued)

NORMAN —

Rows 25 to 30 are reserved for those needing a little extra privacy, such as dope dealers, Ponzi schemers, mob bosses, undercover cops and anyone who’s in the middle of breaking up with somebody else.

Rows 20 to 25 are designated for our anxious flyers who are constantly on the phone with incredibly tolerant family members. If you check the seat pockets on those rows, you’ll find reassuring statistics about the safety of air travel, along with some useful tips on the appropriate dosages of your favorite sedatives.

If you’ve flown with Jet Miserable before, you know that the middle section of the aircraft, Rows 10-20, is always set aside for our loudest, rudest, most unbearable passengers.

I can say that over the intercom because they’re all babbling on their phones again, totally ignoring me.

Our research shows that seating the most annoying gabbers in the same area of the plane produces a wall of white noise that virtually smothers the details of their unbelievably banal phone conversations.

If you’re sitting next to someone whom you think belongs in the middle rows with the other serial yakkers — for example, a teenager blathering on to some distant voice about her totally useless but super-hot boyfriend — please contact one of the flight attendants right away.

As usual, Row 9 of the aircraft is designated for passengers using their cellphones to speak with elderly relatives in Florida. Each of these premium seats is provided with a tailored Kevlar hood that muffles exasperated pleas and repetitive shouting.

Rows 1-8 are reserved for our valued Club Chit-Chat members. These are the passengers whose cell-phone conversations are often worth overhearing — a stockbroker, for instance, advising a client to dump Apple and go big with Twitter.

Or a famous fashion model, calling her BFF to share the latest at-home waxing tips.

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