The Norman Transcript

Columns

March 29, 2014

A girdle is a girdle is a girdle

(Continued)

NORMAN —

Name aside, I don’t believe this product has anything to do with the act of spanking because, as far as I can tell, the hand of the person attempting such an act would ricochet off the taut trampoline-like surface of the fabric and in all probability cause the spanker to put out an eye or cause severe damage to his (or her, but you know it would be his) wrist.

But what might start out as playful could become deadly and we should all remember that, especially before wearing an item of clothing that resembles a lace-edged iron maiden.

The premise behind Spanx is this: if you put Jell-O into a thermos, it won’t remember it’s Jell-O.

This realization did not prevent me from wondering whether I might not be wise to purchase one. I’ve always been fond of thermoses, which are the cleverest of appliances. You put in a hot beverage, it keeps it hot; you put in a cold beverage, it keeps it cold. As the old joke goes, “How do(es) it know?”

But so-called “shapewear?” It turns out they’re not so intelligent. That’s why smart broads were eager to shed them.

Today’s advertising rhetoric says they will “smooth” your silhouette, which sounds rather comforting and benign, but with a little research a person can start to believe in conspiracy theories concerning the deviousness of underwear manufacturers that rival those put forth by UFO abductees.

Researchers argue that these arcane garments will cut off the circulation of blood to several of your favorite major organs — especially those having to do with digestion — and cause reflux, heartburn and flatulence.

Given that the fabric is virtually airtight, I picture ladies — smooth ladies, every one — wafting toward the ceiling at the end of a gala evening and bobbing up there like so many balloons.

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