The Norman Transcript

Columns

September 1, 2013

Parliament keeps funny hours

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Obama hadn’t decided if the U.S. will strike Syria Thursday. He wants to launch a  strike in the middle of a civil war that won’t overthrow the dictator but will change his behavior. Problem is, he forgot to renew his Magician’s Union card after getting re-elected.

The British Parliament rejected the use of force against Syria Thursday. The House of Commons meets at six o’clock at night and stays in session until two in the morning. It’s the first legislature in history and, to this day, the only one that keeps comedians’ hours.

Joe Biden  declared Tuesday that Syria must be held accountable for using chemical weapons. Now it’s suspected al-Qaeda staged the attack to reel in the U.S.  If America’s options were a horse race, The Devil You Know would be thundering down the backstretch.

Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel was suspended by the NCAA for the first half of Saturday’s game. They suspect he took cash to autograph jerseys. The NCAA issued a statement warning that this is what happens when a college player is taught how to write.

The NFL agreed to pay seven hundred million dollars to treat retired NFL players for  memory loss due to concussions. Just last week O.J. Simpson was reported playing for the Aryan Nations prison softball team. Tell me this man doesn’t need immediate attention.

Labor Day is celebrated Monday with picnics and family get-togethers The holiday’s original meaning has been watered down over the years. Republicans today have no desire to honor organized labor while Democrats give each other work clothes as gag gifts.

North Korea’s dictator Kim Jung Un executed a former girlfriend by firing squad last week  with eleven other actresses. They were caught distributing Bibles and  porn videos of themselves. It’s overwhelming evidence they were agents of American influence.

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