Keeping Miss America in line

The Norman Transcript

January 29, 2007 12:30 am

— HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?
The Miss America Pageant is tonight at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas. These contestants are wholesome, conservative, supervised and chaperoned. Guarding the girls at night gives the white tigers something to do besides eat the card counters.
Terry Bradshaw wasn't killed in a car wreck as reported Friday on local news in Shreveport. He was incredibly relieved when he saw the story on television in Mexico, where he was vacationing. He thought heaven had margaritas and television.
Prince Charles arrived in Philadelphia Friday before flying to New York City to accept an award from the Harvard Medical School. It's for his work on the environment. Thanks to his divorce, there is one less gas-guzzling limo on the road.
Reggie Bush, according to federal agents, turned up in old taped conversations discussing gifts and cash with sports agents during his USC days. It's serious. If he turns out to be corrupt enough, he could get four to eight years as governor of Louisiana.
Steve Wynn sued Lloyd's of London Thursday to collect on the Picasso he ruined when he put his elbow through it while showing it to casino guests. He made his point. Ever since the incident, not one masterpiece has tried to walk out on its hotel bill.
Miami Beach hotels last week began charging record-high prices in the run-up to Super Bowl Weekend. It's a one-time opportunity. Until they allow offshore drilling in Florida there won't be enough oilmen to fill up the hotels at these rates.
Al Gore was nominated for an Academy Award on Tuesday for his global warming documentary. His competition includes Jesus Camp. The last time global warming was running against Jesus Camp there was a re-count the Supreme Court had to settle.
President Bush named Zalmay Khalilzad to replace John Bolton as U.N. Ambassador last week. Maybe he can do something there. It galls President Bush every time he goes to New York and finds that building is still being used for peaceful purposes.
President Bush said Friday he is the decision-maker on the Iraq war. He said he listened to opinions and he picked the plan he likes and his decision is final. As soon as the job of Iraqi dictator opened up, he was the first to audition for it.
House Republicans read President Bush the riot act over Iraq on Friday. They forced him to accept benchmarks for progress in Iraq, overseen by Congress. This contradicts the Bush Doctrine, which says failure is not an option, it's an outcome.
Hillary Clinton flew to Iowa Friday to officially begin her campaign for the presidency. It's an uphill battle for her there. Pollsters say she needs to show she can be personable and accessible, not just easy to fool and too quick to forgive.
U.N. nuclear inspector Mohamed ElBaradei announced that Iran is about to install three thousand centrifuges to enrich uranium. He won the Nobel peace prize. They had to get a man of his stature to announce it because no one would believe Dick Cheney.
Homeland Security chief Mike Chertoff was in Berlin Friday pleading with the German government to agree to share data with the U.S. about air passengers aboard international flights. Franklin D. Roosevelt is rolling over in his grave. The Germans think we are being too strict about everybody's papers having to be in order.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.