The Norman Transcript

Features

March 14, 2014

The perfect weekend

NORMAN — Ask a dozen people what constitutes a perfect weekend and you would get as many answers. But if one leans toward euphemisms with a generous dose of sarcasm, then your answer may be light years away from the norm.

This reporter’s weekend began with what could be termed the purge and poke, also known as a colonoscopy. Stage one consists of a liquids only day, with the caveat that liquids with red dye should be avoided. Therefore, the only sunshine in the day is water, water and more water with a touch of coffee, tea and chicken bouillon. The upside of this exercise is that the stomach shrinks to the point of gurgling cramps.

Gurgling cramps is a technical term which describes the indignant stomach’s howls for sustenance of the substantial kind. The best one can offer to placate the growling beast is a can of 140 sweet, empty but divine, calories of Coke. A drink usually avoided, but the instant energy of that libation is pure heaven, capable of placating the beast and fooling the taste buds into believing that something delicious passed their way.

Then at 6 p.m., things go downhill from there. For those who have endured this process, stage one is the worst part.

Stage two, the poke, is over quickly and one awakens from a refreshing nap for a brief chat with the doctor.

“Everything looks good and here are up close and personal photos of the four foot incursion into your lower intestine.”

Oh, joy. They will be perfect for the annual family Christmas card.

“Doctor, I have to ask. What made you decide on a career spent looking at peoples’ bottoms?”

“That is just a small part of what I do. My work encompasses problems related to gastrointestinal disorders and surgery as well. Colon cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death and I want to save as many lives as possible.”

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