Voters in the French presidential election, rejecting the austerity program of incumbent Nicolas Sarkozy, choose, as their new leader, Charlie Sheen. In other European economic crisis news, Greece invests all of its remaining money in the initial public offering of Facebook stock.
In sports, Usain Bolt, running in his final tune-up race before the Olympics, wins the Kentucky Derby.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg turns his attention to the lone remaining problem facing New Yorkers: soft drinks. For far too long, these uncontrolled beverages have roamed the city in vicious large-container packs, forcing innocent people to drink them and become obese. Mayor Bloomberg’s plan would prohibit the sale of soft drinks in containers larger than 16 ounces.
Another major health-related story breaks in …
June ... when the U.S. Supreme Court, handing down its much-anticipated ruling on health care, decides by a 5-4 vote that the Affordable Care Act is constitutional. Moments after the decision is announced, the justices discover that, because of a clerical error, the document they have spent the past three months reviewing is actually the transmission-repair manual for a 1997 Hyundai Sonata.
In other domestic news, San Francisco bans beverage containers altogether, requiring restaurants to serve soft drinks by pouring them directly into their customers’ mouths.
Abroad, England celebrates the 60-year reign of Queen Elizabeth II with a massive Diamond Jubilee blowout bash lasting several days, at the end of which members of the Royal Family are found wandering around naked as far away as Croatia.
Greece announces a new bailout plan that hinges on persuading Germany to buy what Prime Minister Lucas Papademos describes as “a buttload of Tupperware.”
In sports, Major League Baseball fans are treated to an unusual spate of no-hitters, all thrown by Usain Bolt. Roger Goodell announces that the NFL is investigating disturbing allegations that some members of the New Orleans Saints do not sing during the anthem.