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May 23, 2014

Parent suffering from ‘interFEARence’

NORMAN — Q: For the first five years of her life, it was just me and my now 13-year-old daughter. I didn’t have a clue as to what I was doing. I wasn’t consistent; I didn’t hold her accountable; I was an enabler. Her behavior toward me became increasingly disrespectful. My second husband tried to open my eyes, but I was in complete denial.

Finally, in her pre-teen years, I started to hold her accountable and tried my best to be more consistent. Now, when she disrespects me, I take privileges away, assign her extra chores and send her to her room for the rest of the day. That seems to work, but only for a few days. Then it’s back to square one. Things are especially awful after she spends time with her dad.

Lately she’s been yelling that I don’t love her and she’s going to live with her dad once she turns 14. I recently went to take away her iPod for a day for defiant behavior. She threw the iPod down, causing it to break, which she blamed me for.

Considering I can’t take her iPod away anymore, should I come up with a different consequence, or is not allowing her to replace the broken one enough? I’m tempted to empty her room of everything she owns, but I wonder if that’s going too far, if it will completely destroy any chance of a relationship with her. Help.

 

A: You’re obviously suffering from what I call “interFEARence,” meaning that you are allowing fear to interfere with making good parenting decisions. The fears include her going to live with her dad, her hating you for life and imposing unreasonable consequences.

Your fears are actually causing you to use consequences in an ineffective manner. Taking her iPod away for one whole day is a good example. I refer to this sort of disciplinary approach, which is commonplace these days, as “trying to stop a charging elephant with a flyswatter.”

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