The Norman Transcript

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September 20, 2013

Stop. Don’t sit on that

NORMAN — There are times when we have to wonder about “them.” They, of course, are always people other than us.

Is it possible that a large portion of the human inhabitants of this planet are walking around with empty craniums? If that is the case, then that vacant space is wasted and ought to be put to good use, such as storage for knickknacks. On the plus side, an empty cranium means that folks who are predisposed to engaging in frequent vehicular encounters of the crunchy kind will not suffer concussions, brain damage, and other brain-related injuries.

But if, in fact, everyone’s skull does contain a blob of gray matter, then we have to wonder why said gray matter is not put to use more often. As a matter of fact, such periodic stimulation of the gray matter could be considered beneficial accidents.

Mind you, this discussion has nothing to do with those so-called “blonde moments,” but rather the increasing condition we will refer to as “relaxed brain syndrome.” This is a condition experienced by those who engage the brain just enough to get by and not enough to overtax themselves. From time to time, they may use that soft blob of gray matter as a seat cushion.

How else can we explain lapses in reason and correctable errors? Surprisingly, those afflicted with relaxed brain syndrome belong to no particular social class, gender, or occupation. They simply allowed their gray matter to become flabby and smooth. Is it possible that their brains are simply incapable of doing any heavy mental lifting? Probably not, but they must be willing to try.

Let’s look at a few examples of relaxed brain syndrome.

A friend planned to make a pasta salad for dinner and purchased a box of Trio Italian pasta — a mixture of green, orange and white pasta. To simplify matters, there was a recipe for “Mediterranean Veggie Salad” on the box. Her frown of confusion became increasingly pronounced as she read the ingredients for the veggie salad, which included salami. Exactly what kind of vegetable is salami supposed to be? Is it a root or does it grow on trees? If it is a tree, I want one for the backyard.

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