The Norman Transcript

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October 11, 2013

Parenting like our great-grandmothers

NORMAN — Q: My 5-year-old daughter has developed a bad habit of arguing with me whenever I refuse her something, anything. Believe me when I tell you she is relentless. She will continue to argue until I put her in her room, but as soon as I let her out, she starts up again.

I shared this with a therapist friend who told me that my daughter is trying to manipulate me, to control the relationship. She said to just continue putting her in her room whenever it happens, and it will eventually stop. Do you agree?

A: Since you are not in a formal relationship with this therapist, since she’s a friend, I can answer your question: No, I most definitely do not agree. At age 5, your daughter’s brain has not developed the ability to consciously, with malice aforethought, manipulate someone. That very sociopathic ability does not develop, on average, until age 12 or so.

Your daughter is arguing with you for the same three reasons all children argue with their parents: First, you explain yourself; second, you try to get her to agree with your explanation; third, she throws down the proverbial gauntlet and you pick it up. I’ll take each of these in turn.

Explanations invite pushback, and pushback is argument. When your daughter asks for something, it’s one thing to simply say “no.” It’s quite another to go on and on about why you are saying “no.” You tell your daughter, for example, that you’re not going to buy her a new Princess Fantastic doll because she has enough of them already and they cost too much anyway.

Your daughter responds with a rebuttal, as in, “But Mom, I only have five and, besides, this is the one everyone’s been waiting for and all my friends are getting it and, besides, it doesn’t cost nearly as much as that new washing machine you and Dad bought last week.”

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