By Peggy Laizure
November 14, 2008 02:01 am
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Bill and Kristie Duren had an 11-month-old son, Billy, and another child due soon. Kristie Duren was an early childhood worker and had plans to go back to school after the second baby was born and earn a degree in early childhood development.
All her plans changed May 9, 2003, when son Blake was born with cerebral palsy. Blake was in the hospital for about a month after he was born, Kristie said, and Billy had to stay with his grandparents.
The Durens have grandparents and family support, "plenty of family," Kristie said.
"Billy didn't really know what was going on, but I don't think he really minded (staying with grandma)," Kristie said.
Kristie has dropped all plans to return to school.
"It's probably not going to happen," she said.
And she is fine with that.
Bill Duren is working at the Marriott Postal Training Center and is going to school to be a paramedic but may switch to radiology.
He works an early shift and helps with the children when he can, Kristie said.
Blake attends Eisenhower Elementary School even though he doesn't live in that district.
"When he was 3, the doctor said sign him up for school," Kristie said.
At that time, Eisenhower was the closest school that had a program for Blake. He's now in his third year at Eisenhower, along with big brother Billy.
This is the first year that both boys are at school the full day but Kristie isn't resting. Her daughter Kailey was born in July.
Since Kailey was born, both boys have turned more to their dad, Kristie said. "But since Kailey was born, he wants dad to play balloons and other things with him. Blake is attached to him right now."
Don't tell Blake he is handicapped. Just as all siblings do, if Billy has something he wants, Blake will try to get it, Kristie said.
"We treat the boys the same," Bill Duren said. "What we do for Billy, we do for Blake."
Kristie said she's never had a break, but she doesn't really want one. Family is available when she needs to do something, but as far as fun goes, she "never wants to do anything without them."
"If we go to the movies, it's because it's a good one for the kids," she said. "Blake loves the movies," she said.
She's always upbeat, Bill said of his wife.
While the Durens' friends haven't treated them any differently since Blake was born, Kristie has noticed that strangers often shy away.
"Sometimes people stay away from us, like at the doctor's office," she said. "They won't sit by us. Sometimes children will say hi to him and their parents will pull them away. They think he is diseased or something. There are lots of rude people in this world."
And then there are those who lean the other way.
"He got a free pumpkin the other day from the pumpkin patch," Kristie said. "Probably because he was in a wheelchair."
What happens when the primary caregiver becomes the one who needs the care?
Eugene Jones was a big man, strong and kept his house in good shape and the cars running smoothly. He fixed anything that needed fixing on his five acres in Choctaw. He and his wife, Nancy, had just retired and were looking forward to spending their retirement together. They traveled all over the country.
Nine years ago, Gene had major open heart surgery. After the surgery he began having blackouts, TIA seizures and several mini strokes and had been diagnosed with vascular dementia.
The five acres became too much for Gene, and the couple moved to a house in Midwest City. Seven years ago, they moved to a smaller, newer house in Norman, which is closer to family. Both of Nancy's children live in Norman and Gene has three children in Oklahoma City.
Nancy suddenly had to take care of the lawn, keep the car running and do the upkeep of the house. Every major decision had to be made on her own. Should she call a repairman or get her do-it-yourself manual?
She became depressed and Gene "was very lethargic and sat in the Lazy Boy in front of the television," Nancy said. If Gene was up, Nancy also had to be awake. She had to keep an eye on Gene.
"I realized I couldn't leave him alone anymore when I came home from church one day and there was a broken glass dish on the stove," Nancy said.
Gene had wanted some oatmeal and used the dish instead of a pan on the burner and the dish shattered.
The loss of freedom is hard to adjust to, Nancy said. And the relationship has changed.
"It's been an education," she said. "And the martial bond has now become a parent-child one," she said. "It makes a big impact on your life. The first two years I was depressed and cried a lot. I didn't want him to know so I would wait until he was in bed or go on a walk. It's so hard to live with constant worry -- never know what to expect next."
Life is easier now. Gene attends Full Circle Senior Adult Day Care four days a week.
"I can't emphasize enough how good Full Circle is," Nancy said. "They are so cheerful. They help any way they can. They take such good care of their people. They are very loving and I know it is a safe, secure environment."
"They are so important to our community," she said. "He socializes now. It's something for him to look forward to. They are just wonderful; I can't praise them enough. Gene, or anyone, is greeted with a big smile and a 'good morning.'"
It makes Gene feel welcome, has made a big impact on him and has lifted Nancy out of her depression, she said. She now has time to run errands, take seminars at OU and enjoys "all the events our beautiful city has to offer," she said.
"Gene has changed so much," Nancy said. He is stimulated and is excited."
Even though Gene attends Full Circle, it can still be rough for Nancy. They don't travel together anymore.
"When Gene gets out of his normal environment, he becomes disoriented," Nancy said.
She does leave occasionally. Gene's daughter stayed with him so Nancy could visit her brother in Florida.
"It's so important to have help from family," Nancy said. "One of the ladies at Full Circle had to go to the hospital and she has no children or family to help her. She had to put her husband in a nursing home for a week."
Nancy also meets with the Full Circle Support Group once a month.
"It is for anyone who is a caretaker, and we can speak to each other when we are reluctant to tell our own family," Nancy said. "We get ideas on care. We might cry a little bit, we might laugh a little. We find humor with our tears."
Full Circle Senior Adult Day Care, 1185 E. Main St. is open 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. Monday through Friday.
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