HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Iowa caucuses began choosing the next president Thursday amid grumbling that Iowa has too much power. It's hugely white and has the nation's highest literacy and graduation rates. They will never pick a president who represents the American people.

Los Angeles counted down the New Year in style Monday. Hours after New Yorkers watched the crystal ball come down, thousands gathered in Beverly Hills to see the value of their houses come down. Everyone began the countdown together at $10 million.

Roger Clemens was invited Monday to speak to a Texas baseball coaches' convention banquet after he denied using steroids. Injecting steroids seems to be rampant in Texas. Just Wednesday, the price of oil shot up to $100 and you know it had help.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices hit a hundred bucks a barrel this week. We need new sources of oil. When Mike Huckabee dove into Santa Monica Bay Wednesday and a thousand ducks had to be rescued, he was the most popular man in politics.

Mike Huckabee crossed the Writers Guild picket line to go on the Tonight Show Wednesday. There's no question about Republican party support for unions. The only suspense was whether he would cross the picket line in a steamroller or an earthmover.

Barack Obama's election polling in Iowa Thursday showed that the United States is ready for a black president. The way was certainly paved for him. If nothing else, President Bush shattered the myth of white supremacy once and for all.

President Bush slipped back into Washington Wednesday after a two-week holiday break. He spends a good amount of time on vacation. President Bush is still in office under an unspoken agreement that we won't impeach him if he stays out of sight.

Hillary Clinton handed out bagels to her volunteers on the day before the Iowa caucuses. She had a difficult last week. Hillary Clinton wants to be seen as a great female leader but the Secret Service won't let her stick her head out of the sunroof.

General Pervez Musharraf blamed terrorists Thursday for the killing of Benazir Bhutto. She left a note blaming him if she were ever killed. In Pervez Musharraf's defense, Benazir Bhutto had a lot of nerve going around in public with her head unshot.

San Francisco police said Thursday they found slingshots in the hip pockets of all three victims of the tiger attack. The slaughter was so unnecessary. Those boys would not have had slingshots if San Francisco had not cracked down on handguns.

The Passenger Bill of Rights just became law in New York, giving air travelers the right to air, water and clean bathrooms. They shouldn't have mentioned it. The White House hadn't even thought of eliminating these rights and now they're kicking it around.

President Bush will host Turkey's President Abdullah Gul on Tuesday. They will discuss Turkish attacks on Kurdish rebels across the border in Iraq. If President Bush can convince Turkey to send troops all the way into Baghdad, maybe we can leave.

New Jersey's Assembly debated a bill to make New Jersey the first northern state to apologize for slavery. The state outlawed slavery 40 years before the Civil War. It is something nobody knew until there were no black characters on The Sopranos.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.