NORMAN — Editor, The Transcript:
Gosh all Friday, I’m so happy, I could just...well, you know what I mean.
I read in The Transcript that our president has generously allocated $500,000,000 toward gun control. Whew! With our U.S. population hovering around $315,000,000, $500,000,000 represents $1.60 for every man, woman and child within our borders. That’s a lot of money, but what price can you put on a human life?
Gun control legislation is a start. We’ve all heard the argument that “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” That does have a ring of truth to it, so it’s up to us to regulate people behavior so that fewer would-be shooters will have access to guns.
However, let’s not overlook the fact that many of our brothers and sisters have been murdered by baseball bats. Yes, I know baseball bats do not kill people. People with baseball bats kill people. Legislation is long overdue that will reduce the number of baseball bat murders in our society. For example, we could regulate the number of baseball bats in any residential dwelling. Sizes and weights should be regulated also. Baseball bats must be stored under lock and key in a specially designed baseball bat cabinet. Baseball bats should be allowed only within the confines of a playing field designated for baseball games. Any person in possession of a baseball bat away from a baseball park or his home should be detained by authorities and questioned as to his intentions regarding the baseball bat in his possession.
At the same time, it’s necessary for us to take a look at the ever-burgeoning stockpile of knives all over America. There’s every kind of knife known to the civilized world lurking in our homes and businesses and schools: pocket knives, switchblade knives, Bowie knives, butcher knives, paring knives, and the most insidious knives of all, the Ginzu knife. Ginzu knives are a catastrophe just waiting to take place. Ginzu knives are sharp and lethal. Anyone with a debit card or a credit card can order these weapons of maiming by telephone or on the Internet. It boggles my mind that one does not even have to show an I.D. to purchase a set of Ginzu knives. We have got to get a handle (no pun intended) on Ginzu knives before some frustrated, pent up, psychopathic, would-be Julia Child wannabe goes amuck and slashes innocent children to death. Better sooner than later.
There are other instruments of murder that we must confront today to reduce untimely deaths amongst our brethren: ropes, fire, stick and stones, pillows, shoes, bows and arrows, broken beer bottles, and last but not least, ice hockey sticks (I know, I know, ice hockey sticks don’t kill people. People with ice hockey sticks kill people).
In conclusion, yes, by all means, let us go forward with gun control legislation. As soon as a new gun control law gets signed by our country’s leader, we can all breathe a deep sigh of relief. We’ll sleep better knowing that there will be no more mass killings ever again, no more innocent children slain, and no more families torn asunder.