The Norman Transcript

January 20, 2014

The Super Bowl may be in peril


The Norman Transcript

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The NFL revealed the Super Bowl will be guarded by four thousand federal and local cops . Everyone entering the stadium must pass through a facial scanner that identifies known and suspected criminals. We will be lucky if we end up with two teams out on the field.

Downton Abbey began its fourth season Sunday about British aristocrats a century ago who lorded it over their servants. It’s galvanizing. On the morning after each episode, the Republicans come to Capitol Hill more focused on their goals and willing to fight for them.

American Hustle was the favorite to win the Oscar for Best Picture over Twelve Years a Slave. Put yourself in the mind of the Academy member. Shaming America over race is a great movie theme and usually wins the Oscar, but Baby Boomers were only young once.

The Vatican lowered the price of sainthood nominations Thursday which is about one million dollars. It’s a beautiful faith. In the Catholic world a million dollars can get you nominated for sainthood, but in the Protestant world that might barely get you into Congress.

Duck Dynasty returned Wednesday a month after Phil Robertson caused a furor with anti-gay remarks in an interview. He’s contrite. Phil likened gay sex to bestiality, but the next day he felt so badly about what he said that he apologized to the bestiality community.

Justin Bieber’s home was swarmed by cops after neighbors reported he and his friends threw eggs at their house. The cops found Bieber’s house was full of coked up, hung-over, egg-throwing low-lifes. When he moves, the house will be made into a Denny’s for continuity.

The Senate and House agreed on a trillion dollar U.S. budget Tuesday. Many Democrats stood on the floor of Congress and demanded a surtax on Wall Street bonuses but they were shouted down. It’s the kind of punitive tax that could drive our best people out of fraud.

Michelle Obama told a college cost summit she felt out of place when she first attended at Princeton until she hung out at the campus Third World Center and student union. Now it’s all clear. That explains why her classmates voted her Most Likely to Marry a Kenyan.

Oklahoma’s ban on same-sex marriage was ruled unconstitutional by a federal judge last week. The state’s ban never made sense to the media elite. You’d think the only state named after a Broadway musical would be the first state to recognize same-sex marriage.

The Weather Channel reported Los Angeles had its driest year in history last year. To help prevent fires, the city put goats in the Hollywood Hills to graze and eat the brush. It proves that seasons come and seasons go, but Jack Nicholson will always work in this town.

The British Journal of Psychiatry reported stand-up comedians have personality types linked to psychosis and mental illness. You can see it in our eyes. In what other profession do you get to kill a crowd every night without splitting the nation over the issue of gun rights?

The White House got bad news that Millennials are not signing up for Obamacare. They are covered by their parents’ plan under Obamacare, they’re never sick and don’t need health insurance, and they have no jobs to pay the premiums, so now all premiums will rise. Obamacare’s the first government idea in forty years that makes Vietnam look well thought-out.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Breaking news, severe weather alerts, AMBER alerts, sports scores from The Norman Transcript are available as text messages right to your phone or mobile device. You decide which type of alerts you want to receive. Find out more or to signup, click here.