I got a line on some powdered rhino horn, which I grind up and sprinkle in my hummus every day for breakfast.
Next I tape a Viagra pill in each of my armpits and go straight to the gym where I work up an amazing sweat.
Lunch is a shark-fin smoothie followed by a complete transfusion (there’s a kid who hit .348 in Triple A last year, a big fan. He swaps blood with me.)
And each night, before bed, I slather myself head-to-toe with a totally organic cream made from aloe leaves, fresh kale, mint shavings and bull testicles.
Anybody asks, you tell them to forget all the bad things they’ve heard about A-Rod. I’m an all-natural man who leads a clean, all-natural life.
Check out my pores if you don’t believe me.
Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for the Miami Herald. Readers may write to him at: The Miami Herald, 3511 N.W. 91 Avenue, Doral, Fla. 33172; email: email@example.com.
Breaking news, severe weather alerts, AMBER alerts, sports scores from The Norman Transcript are available as text messages right to your phone or mobile device. You decide which type of alerts you want to receive. Find out more or to signup, click here.