The Norman Transcript

Opinion

January 21, 2014

The story A-Rod would love to tell

(Continued)

NORMAN —

I got a line on some powdered rhino horn, which I grind up and sprinkle in my hummus every day for breakfast.

Next I tape a Viagra pill in each of my armpits and go straight to the gym where I work up an amazing sweat.

Lunch is a shark-fin smoothie followed by a complete transfusion (there’s a kid who hit .348 in Triple A last year, a big fan. He swaps blood with me.)

And each night, before bed, I slather myself head-to-toe with a totally organic cream made from aloe leaves, fresh kale, mint shavings and bull testicles.

Anybody asks, you tell them to forget all the bad things they’ve heard about A-Rod. I’m an all-natural man who leads a clean, all-natural life.

Check out my pores if you don’t believe me.

Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for the Miami Herald. Readers may write to him at: The Miami Herald, 3511 N.W. 91 Avenue, Doral, Fla. 33172; email: chiaasen@miamiherald.com.

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