OLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

"Casablanca" was voted best original screenplay in movie history Friday by the Writers Guild. Tastes change over time. The award once went to "Dr. Strangelove" but five years into the Bush administration it's been moved to the documentary category.

Iran announced Tuesday it's begun the process of enriching uranium. Reaction was threefold. Russia agreed to supply the reactors in Iran, the White House vowed it will use diplomacy with Iran, and Israel announced plans to build a ceiling.

The White House expressed concern Monday over Iran's nuclear progress. Someday soon Iran could have nuclear missiles that could reach the United States. And everybody thought there was no way to get the illegal aliens to pack up and go home.

The New Yorker magazine said President Bush is planning a nuclear attack on Iran. The article says he believes nuking Iran will secure his legacy. Right now there's still a question of whether he or Franklin Pierce is the worst president in history.

President Bush said Monday the report of a pending attack on Iran is wild speculation but war plans are always ready. This whole nuclear showdown is going on while Congress is on vacation for two weeks. If this were a movie it would star Macaulay Culkin.

Don Rumsfeld acknowledged Iran's success in enriching uranium Tuesday. There are centrifuges on every corner. Gas pumps with mechanical reels are spinning so fast that entire cities could go up in a mushroom cloud during 40 gallon fill-ups.

Kiefer Sutherland got $30 million from Fox Monday to keep playing Jack Bauer in "24." He saves America from terrorism every week. His agent had no trouble getting him the money after the studio slipped his salary into the Pentagon budget.

The Pentagon put the USS George Washington and its carrier group to sea Tuesday for two months of war exercises in the Caribbean. The Bush Doctrine never flinches. We have to fight the hurricanes there so we don't have to fight them here.

Terry Bradshaw just donated his four Super Bowl rings, his college trophies, his NFL Hall of Fame ring and four Super Bowl trophies to his alma mater, Louisiana Tech. Everyone in Los Angeles drew the same conclusion. He's about to kill his wife.

Al Gore addressed a Democratic fundraiser Monday in New York City where they raised millions of dollars. He's in an extremely awkward position to criticize the Bush administration's policies. Without oil, Al could never move his arms and legs.

The National Archives agreed to a White House request to remove from the shelves 50,000 historic documents going back 60 years. It's national security. The president wants to be able to keep calling people Hitler and not be hassled by fact-checkers.

President Bush's childhood home in Midland was dedicated as a museum Tuesday in West Texas. It's one of 27 houses from Connecticut to California to Texas that the Bushes lived in. Reelection has always been a problem in that family.

The Weather Channel said Monday this summer's heat could set records. Thanks to global warming, Southern Baptist preachers are holding much shorter services. Last July one guy's complete sermon was, if you think it's hot right now, just wait.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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