OLLYWOOD ? God bless America, and how's everybody?

Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France Sunday and got a call from President Bush. The world's best bicyclist was hailed by the world's worst bicyclist. The president shows the same good sportsmanship when he calls the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

"Wedding Crashers" is a hit about two Washington, D.C., lawyers who crash weddings to seduce vulnerable bridesmaids. The movie's message is clear. Democrats can relax and be themselves now that the special prosecutors are picking on Republicans.

Willie Nelson performs Jamaican reggae music in a new album he released last week which displays a cannabis plant on the cover. Willie Nelson is feeling much better ever since he got the marijuana patch. It's in his back yard.

Colombia offered Sunday to buy up the coca harvest to eradicate cocaine. Farmers would then vow never to grow coca again. "Masterpiece Theater" can't compete with some of the plays that are staged when the U.S. Congress is debating the foreign aid bill.

"The Secret Man" by Bob Woodward is a best-seller about FBI official Mark Felt, who admitted leaking Richard Nixon's involvement in Watergate. The scandal is quaint by later standards. Mark Felt claims he was Deep Throat and all he ever blew was the whistle.

Fox News reported Sunday the Pentagon has contracted with blind seamstresses to sew military uniforms. They wanted the world to know the blind are making an important contribution to the war effort. For starters, they decided to invade Iraq.

"Dukes of Hazzard" star Ben Jones ripped the movie re-make as a bunch of Rebel flags and war whoops and car races and white chicks in halter tops. The movie's not based on the TV show anyway. It is a remake of Karl Rove's re-election strategy.

Democrats demanded Friday that Karl Rove get fired for outing a CIA agent to the media. It's nuts. The CIA blames the White House, the White House blames the media and the media just want to know when they get their one phone call from jail.

The White House refused Sunday to release documents on John Roberts. Not many people can make it through confirmation hearings. The new pope would still be explaining his membership in the Hitler Youth as an unfortunate example of going with the flow.

John Roberts was described Sunday as a judge who supports the original intent of the U.S. Constitution. No wonder the president nominated him. The president believes the original intent of the Founding Fathers was to bring democracy to Iraq.

The Weather Channel last week attributed the nationwide heat wave to global warming. It sounded partisan. You got the feeling the weatherman was a Democrat when he said the new weather pattern will feature colder winters and Hooter summers.

Al Gore told the New York Times he used to call Johnny Carson for his advice on delivering jokes. He said Carson told him not to talk until the crowd stops laughing at him. This explains why he hasn't issued a public statement in five years.

The New York Assembly is debating a bill to require a minimum wage for stand-up comics. They don't know club owners. If a minimum wage law is passed the only comedians working in New York will be wearing prison uniforms and speaking Chinese.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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