HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

Christmas Day had the heaviest telephone traffic in holiday history over the weekend. There were a hundred million long-distance calls. President Bush could face impeachment after Congress sees the overtime bill for this much eavesdropping.

The New York Yankees introduced their new star Johnny Damon Friday. The team made him agree to shave his beard and cut his hair. Having a center fielder who looks just like Jesus would only make New York City more of a target for terrorists.

New York subways were back Friday after the transit strike ended. For three days people were begging cabs to pick them up. New York cab drivers haven't felt so personally powerful since they found out India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons.

The Washington D.C. City Council broke its deal Friday to build a Major League Baseball stadium. They missed out on a lucrative way to sell luxury seats. Think of all the money congressmen would have paid not to be seated next to an indicted lobbyist.

Kate Moss faces an investigation by London police after newspapers published photographs that showed her snorting cocaine. She has chosen a very dangerous way of life. The top cause of death among supermodels is falling through the street grates.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were reported Friday to be getting married just as soon as their divorces are final. That's easier said than done. An equitable divorce settlement in Hollywood means each party gets fifty percent of the publicity.

Pakistan said Friday an al-Qaeda leader they captured was out to assassinate President Bush, but no one believes it. George Bush could walk through Baghdad at high noon and the terrorists would hold their fire. That's how scary Dick Cheney is.

The FBI, it was reported Friday, is conducting nuclear radiation monitorings of mosques in America without a warrant. It's all good. The radiation machines have found no nuclear bombs but they have cured four worshippers of prostate cancer.

The Patriot Act was resuscitated for five weeks by Congress Friday after the Senate killed it and then revived it for six months. It's alive then it's dead, then it's alive and then it's dead. No one can wait to see the sequel, Bride of Patriot Act.

Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld announced Thursday that seven thousand troops will be leaving Iraq next month. This can only mean one thing. President Bush made a holiday bet with his brother that he can conquer Syria with seven thousand troops.

President Bush signed a bill giving Congress a pay raise on Friday. The more we pay, the better we get. For five grand a week we expect people with Lincoln's political wisdom and what we get are people with Lincoln's theater seat judgment.

Saddam Hussein's trial judge insisted Thursday there's no evidence that Saddam was beaten and tortured while in custody. He added that the co-defendants weren't abused either. It fell to the judge to say it because nobody believes Condi anymore.

President Bush handed out a dozen Christmas Eve pardons from the Oval Office Friday. He granted clemency to three moonshiners, two coke dealers and one pot grower and a banker who tried to swindle Lending Tree. By this time of year even President Bush is making up sarcastic versions of the Twelve Days of Christmas.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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