HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt was reported Friday to have held secret talks to build an NFL stadium. It won't happen. He wants to host a Super Bowl and nobody in Los Angeles wants to give up the Lingerie Bowl in the middle of the rainy season.

Golfer John Daly's wife went to prison Friday for a drug and money-laundering scam. He himself loves to eat, drink and gamble. The last time a couple combined for five out of the seven deadly sins, the wife made out all right but the husband was impeached.

The Kama Sutra Worm hit computers Friday, deleting the files on computer hard drives. The worm is named for India's ancient book of illustrated sex positions. These people are wasting their talent answering customer service calls for CitiBank.

Hooters Casino Hotel held its grand opening in Las Vegas Friday and features two hundred Hooters girls serving drinks and food and running bets. The hotel is fully themed. The carpets are dyed blonde and the pillows are made out of silicone gel.

The Egyptian Navy rushed to rescue Egyptian ferry boat passengers on Friday after the vessel capsized in a storm and sank into the Red Sea. Egypt rejected Israel's offer to help. It was too late by then to show them how Moses did the trick.

President Bush promoted his plan to achieve peace and prosperity in a speech in Albuquerque Friday. The crowd listened respectfully and nobody heckled him. Today's two-earner families don't have time for their kids, much less treason charges.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg was revealed Friday to have given a hundred million dollars of his own money for stem-cell research. He made the gift anonymously. The last thing a bachelor billionaire wants is his phone tapped by the President's Commission to Stop Science.

Bill Clinton said Friday he believes the White House should obtain warrants before eavesdropping on Americans. He said he tapped five new lines a week but always got a judge's permission. Of course he was always in court so it wasn't that inconvenient.

Dick Cheney pressed for drilling in the Alaska Wildlife Refuge Friday despite calls for alternative fuels. He's required to carry out his duties. Under the Constitution, the vice president is president of the Senate and the Sultan of Brunei.

President Bush told Minnesotans Thursday that freedom is God's gift to every human. He's a true believer. President Bush had to be physically restrained by his wife before the State of the Union to keep him from saying that democracy will cure bird flu.

U.S. Rep. John Boehner was elected House Majority Leader Thursday. He's a great golfer and member of the all-male Burning Tree Country Club. By electing John Boehner, the Republicans sent the Democrats a clear message: come and get me, copper.

Hillary Clinton reported Friday that she received a campaign contribution from John Kerry's wife Teresa. The senator's wife is switching her allegiance. Teresa gave up on her husband when he said he was in favor of invading Iran unless we get bogged down afterwards.

Donald Rumsfeld said Friday the rise of Venezuela's Hugo Chavez reminds him a lot of the rise of Adolf Hitler in Germany. It's an insult to the president of Iran. He's not only called for the destruction of Israel, he's also building an atomic bomb -- what does a guy have to do to get cast as Hitler in this administration?

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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