HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Axis of Evil Comedy Hour premiered on Comedy Central Saturday, showcasing hilarious stand-up comedians who are Arab-Americans. Their show had a built-in audience. There are 10,000 federal agents watching everything Arab-Americans do.

Heather Mills McCartney refused on Sunday to keep quiet if she divorces Paul McCartney. She told reporters that he's an abusive drunk who beats his wife and doesn't care about his kids. It was enough to get him elected to the Country Music Hall of Fame.

New York holds the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Manhattan Saturday. The mood is sad this year. Scientists just discovered that the Irish and English have the same Y chromosome, ruining centuries of tribal hatred and making Notre Dame-Southern Methodist just another game.

New York Islander Chris Simon was suspended for 25 games on Sunday. Last week he hit an opponent in the head with his hockey stick. Dick Cheney called him in the locker room afterward and asked if he would like to be ambassador to Iran.

Al Sharpton revealed Sunday how painful it felt to learn that his ancestors were owned by Strom Thurmond's ancestors. That shouldn't keep him from achieving his dreams. The Bush family is owned by Saudi Arabia and they've made it to the White House twice.

Former President Bush was treated for dehydration and released Sunday after he collapsed on the golf course in Palm Springs. Everyone appreciates what he was doing. It was a great Fred Sanford impersonation but his son still won't listen to him about Iraq.

President Bush met with the conservative leader of Guatemala Monday. Its government was rescued 20 years ago by proceeds from the illegal Iran-Contra deal. President Bush was tired of being compared to Richard Nixon and wants to be compared to Ronald Reagan.

The NCAA tournament was reported on Monday to be the top betting event of the year with $60 billion wagered. Some of these odds-makers are just phenomenal. Several years ago, one guy had William Shatner's wife in the pool a month before she drowned.

Miami Airport said Monday its security guards this year have seized nine tons of booze and perfume in oversized bottles. It's best to keep that stuff off airplanes. The Mile High Club's already so crowded you can hardly get a tee time in the lavatory.

NBC's Law -- Order's Fred Thompson said Sunday he may run for president. His loyalty may be closely questioned. He left the U.S. Senate for a minor part in a TV series, so don't ask what he might do if Iran offers him the lead role in something.

Iran on Monday protested Warner Bros.'s new smash movie hit, "300." It's about a heroic stand by ancient Greeks against an invading Persian horde. Iran did not like the way a computer-generated John Wayne took 10 Iranians with him at the end.

Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Peter Pace said Monday he thinks homosexuality is immoral and should not be allowed in the military. He said it's no different than adultery. The next morning, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton challenged him to a fight in the schoolyard.

Rudy Giuliani defended Newt Gingrich's adultery confession Monday while John McCain urged that private lives be off-limits during this campaign. The three of them have eight wives between them. This year if you see Republican candidates discuss the sanctity of marriage, it will be comedians impersonating them on Saturday Night Live.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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